How do you feel about gifting? Seriously … what’s your gut response? Dread? Did you roll your eyes? Do you agonize over finding that perfect gift? Or (and there is no shame in it) are you that person that is the serial gift card giver?
I personally love gifting. I love everything about it. The exploration of thought when I’m thinking about potential gifts. Combing my memory for the last item I gifted. Replaying conversations to identify likes, dislikes wants and needs. What will make this gift ‘special’?
Once I’ve settled on ‘the thing’, I think about how I’m wrapping it. Colors, textiles, ribbon. And when it’s all done, I always think about the recipient’s experience. How will they feel when they open it? Will they love it? Will they use it? Or will they re-gift it?
I know not everyone thinks of gifting like this. For some … the art of gifting can be tricky, complicated, even labor intensive. Bottom line … work. And most people aren’t looking for more work.
Part of the complexity is we make gifting about ‘the thing’. And at its core gifting. Or giving, isn’t about ‘the thing’. It’s about having a giving heart or giving with pure intentions. It took me a while to fully understand this concept.
In my first corporate job, I had one of the coolest co-workers. Eventually we became very close friends. She taught me a lot about giving … and gracefully receiving. Maybe you’ve had someone like this in your life. Around every corner or on any random day of the week, she would have a gift for me. I would come into work on Monday morning and there would be a gift on my desk. Or on a Thursday after lunch she would walk over to my desk and say “I ran out at lunch and saw this and thought of you.” This happened all the time. They were mostly small gifts and most of them inexpensive, but I was the recipient of a generous amount of gifts.
As much as every gift was awesome and uniquely fit my personality, this arbitrary gift-giving made me uncomfortable. Mainly because, there wasn’t an occasion. They were ‘just because’ gifts. I’d never had this level of generosity from a friend, and I felt as if I needed to match every gift I’d received. With that, I launched project give back. I started leaving gifts on her desk. Picking up little things to give her. But something in me knew I wasn’t getting this right. Though the gifts I received were thoughtful, some were even meaningful, my return gifts were out of obligation. My heart wasn’t in it. My intention wasn’t to bring joy, or delight, or surprise.
I decided to have a heart to heart talk with my friend. The pressure was too much and I just couldn’t keep up. As I reflect, my main reason was to soothe my feeling that I was getting it wrong. I wasn’t doing enough to buy her friendship. I was missing some imaginary mark I’d made up in my mind.
I will never forget the expression on her face when I said, “I really need you to stop buying my gifts.” Her reaction was pure hurt. In my inability to graciously accept someone’s kindness and generosity, I’d hurt their feelings. My reaction to her hurt was panic because that was never my intention. I loved my friend. I loved the fact that she thought so much of me. I allowed my discomfort to bring pain to someone I cared for.
Thankfully, what was a truly awkward moment in our friendship, turned into an honest conversation about how my friend loved gifting. Giving was her love language. It was difficult for me to comprehend, but she wasn’t giving with the intent of getting something in return. She gifted because her heart led her to give. It took me some time to absorb this idea of selfless giving. Giving brought my friend joy, and it thrilled her to surprise friends and family with small gifts throughout the year. And as I gave myself pause, I wasn’t the only person in the office that was the recipient of her generosity. Not only was she the office gift giver she was the champion of celebrating birthdays, and always remembered Boss’ Day and Executive Assistant’s Day.
That conversation has had a serious impact in my life. (I own a concierge gift service.) The root of my discomfort was I couldn’t wrap my head around graciously receiving someone’s generosity. It was a lot to digest in that moment. Eventually, I learned to accept the fact that my friend expected nothing of me, and I began to feel more comfortable receiving. But it took a lot of time, and the wisdom that comes only with age to truly get it. However, once I understood the impact of a heartfelt gift. How truly meaningful it is, this piece of knowledge shifted how I viewed giving.
Webster’s dictionary defines a gift as “something voluntarily transferred from one person to another without compensation”. Another definition is “the act, right, or power of giving”. “The power of giving.” Let that sink in. That’s when gifting has impact. When the intent is pure. When your heart is in the right place. When the message you want to send with that gift is clear: Congratulations, Thank You, Happy Birthday, Happy Anniversary, You’re Appreciated, Just Because, You’re Special, I Love You. A gift can be packed with emotional power.
As you we enter this month of love and generosity, maybe you’ll experience a heart shift when it comes to your giving. Not only will you find the art of gifting is less of a chore, but your recipient will feel the difference as they lovingly receive your gifts.